Maybe it's the time of year--maybe it's the time of day

We are all beginning to discuss what happens next.

I think our experience with family has forced these discussions--and that is not necessarily a bad thing.

What are we discussing?

What happens when Grandma dies (either or both--my mother, Alan's mother)?
There is one kupuna whose situation could be complex but his wishes and documents are clear. I know what he wants. I know how he expects these things to be done. The instructions are in an attachment to his will. I've seen it. I know who his attorneys are.

This is not so clear with our mother--who has a "death box" and some wishes of her own that need to be clarified...although I don't think this discussion will happen any time soon without trauma and drama occurring.

It is clear what my mother-in-law wants. She wants to rest in peace (near her eldest son) and she didn't want a funeral although this could be changing. Finding her papers, well that's another story.

I have been told many times by my mother what she wants. She's written it down. Where she will finally rest and how this will be paid for are not mysteries to me. We have a "fail-safe" plan that she does not need to know about if what she wants doesn't actually happen.

And while I was letting this post "simmer" in my brain my husband and I had our discussion about what will happen for us. I have an advanced health care directive at least. My youngest son knows the "triage" drill to take care of my mother in case something happens to me. My older kids know they'll have to come home and help.

We have a burial plot and my mother's paperwork is in order so my family won't have to hunt for it in case I'm not here to tell them where to look.

I know what my husband wants. And I have set up a fund for our youngest to pay for last rites and other things should the worst happen.

We don't have any long-term care coverage and although I like Lunalilo Home I hope I won't be eligible any time soon. To be eligible for Lunalilo Home you have to be Hawaiian, elderly, unable to live alone and destitute. While I could, some day, qualify for the first three I hope not to leave my family so in debt that we couldn't pay for elder care...but that could happen.

The discussion the grandmas absolutely refuse to have with us is what happens when they can't live alone any more, if we can't afford elder care at their homes and what they would like if they need to be in a care home. They've all given us some version of "I'm not going to be drooling in a wheelchair", which, I think, no one wants but without planning could become reality.

I'd like to think that Grandma Boyd had possibly the best option--people who cared enough to walk through the choices with her (my cousin), a good place to live, excellent care and someone to pay for it. That the "someone to pay for it" was me and my husband wasn't planned. But history is unchangeable and the lessons learned so long ago have paid off in some ways.

But paying for medical care for someone who was used to Kaiser and its managed care--and no longer had it for a variety of reasons--and many chronic and end stage health problems wasn't cheap.

It was, with the right paperwork and learning to navigate the State and Federal health care systems possible. Still, even with government funded medical coverage, a good portion of the cost of her care fell to us. We are still recovering from that more than thirty years after her death.

The current series in the local paper about nursing homes includes some lurid horror stories. I'm not saying the stories aren't true--but they aren't the full truth which, in some ways, is worse. And it fuels the fear many kupuna have about being left in a nursing home "drooling in a wheelchair".

I wish they would really talk to us about what could happen between being able to live alone and death. I wish they would let us set up options for them and know that we're not going to spend whatever money they have foolishly or on ourselves...but I know better. Fear of losing control can delay discussions until it is much too late.

I know that our family would really appreciate the candor and would honor their wishes...even if it means that we do nothing.